In a shock statement from the Chancellor of the Exchequer (George Osborne) today, the British Government conceded that tax on beer was just un-Australian, and really not in the spirit of “Mateship”. Effective as of today, the British Government has dropped all tax on beers (but not on ciders – which has caused vicious riots at every Magners Cider production plant in the UK).
Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, said today that “this was a landmark decision by the British Government” and surrendered sovereignty of the “lucky Country” to HM the Queen of England.
Julia, having skulled a few ‘coldies’ over lunch, was expected to retaliate by cuttng the tax on beer in Australia. Australian emigration is set to soar, as beer lovers flock from the warm, golden perfect beaches of “OzTrailia” to England – the home of great pubs, The Ashes and now very cheap (warm) beer. Unless the Prime Minister can reduce beer tax enough (or in total), and rally the hoardes to stay - even if just for the sunshine – Australia’s population could drop by as much as 17% in a matter of months, one think-tank has postulated.
Bob Hawke, legendary beer drinker (and former Prime Minister of Australia), stated that anyone who taxed beer “was a bum” – a comment he last used in 1984 to describe Australian bosses not tolerating a sickie the day after the nation became the first to win the America’s cup from the New York Yacht Club in it’s 132 year history.
Mr Hawke is somewhat of an authority on good English beer. In 1953, while at Oxford University on a Rhodes Scholarship, Hawke downed a yard glass (2.5 imperial pints or 1.4 litres) in just 11 seconds (a record at the time) and entered in the Guinness Book of Records. This record has now been smashed to an amazing 5 seconds!! (though notably, not by a world leader.)
If you are in Oxford, we recommend checking out his old local, the Turf Tavern, where you will find a memorial to this tremendous feat. In his memoirs, Mr Hawke suggested that this single feat could have contributed to his political success more than any other, by endearing him to a voting population with a strong beer culture (is this the reason why The Tories have axed beer tax, to buy votes?). The 81 year old Mr Hawke politely declined a request to attempt to beat the new record of 5 seconds, and celebrate the UK government abolishing beer tax.
P.S. For those that have taken this seriously, check the date this entry was posted